I am tired. I am sitting here in the kitchen, typing, as I wait for dinner (pork and potato soup) to cook. I am also listening to Katie, who is upstairs, trying to hear what she’s doing. I should go up and check–in a minute. There are several tabs open in my browser:this blog, an on-going chat with high school friends for an upcoming reunion, my digital marketing course and an indoor playground to book for Katie’s party.
This does not include the To-Do list in my mind: the girls’ upcoming school holidays, work, when I can slip in an hour of exercise, a doctor appointment I need to make, spring cleaning the house. All these things I have to do for my family, for myself. I’m tired.
How do mums deal with it? This feeling that you’re not doing enough, while knowing that you are doing too much. What results is a lot of resentment and anger-that I can’t do it all, but it has to be done because no one else will do it. Sometimes, the anger goes towards my husband or the kids.
Just a few minutes ago, I raised my voice to Katie–for walking in the mud, for putting too much water in her slime toy, for wanting to go to the yard when it’s really really cold. Let me repeat that–I raised my voice at my autistic child. Who has very little to no understanding of what I was saying. All she knew was “angry Mummy”. I felt stupid. I also felt like the worst person ever.
There have been days like these before. There will be many more days like these. My only comfort is the fact that my husband and girls love me, are always ready to forgive me. To make up and start over. My husband will help me on this parenting journey while he also navigates fatherhood.
As for me, I take a break, such as this few minutes of writing, to vent it out. I take a deep breathe and calm myself. Then I remember that I prayed for this-for what I have right now. But I should not expect a perfect life, because it is a beautiful mess. Yes, there will be days like these, when I feel like a bad mum, but there will be far more better days, when everything is just right. Those days are the ones I look for. The days I strive to make for myself and for my family.
End of rant. Back to Mum duties.
