Have you seen Meghan Markle’s latest interview? It was a short clip of a reporter asking how she’s doing as a new mum. Her reaction and answer was raw, honest, and basically, all new mothers can relate to it. Here’s the clip.
I completely understand where she is coming from, and totally respect her for not pretending that everything is fine, as what we usually expect from celebrities. What I’ve learned, four years into being a mother, is that this job is freaking hard. Any one who tells you otherwise is lying through their teeth, seriously.
Before I had Katie, I was quite confident that I could handle being a mom. After all, I’ve had training–helping bring up my nephews and nieces all those years ago. But the moment she was born and those first few months after, I was honestly lost. On the outside, or on social media, I guess I looked like I was doing fine.
But what people did not see was me crying in the bathroom, because those goddamn hormones made my emotions run all over the place. What wasn’t seen was me bawling my eyes out and pleading with Katie to “please let me sleep” at two in the morning, because she was crying and I didn’t know what to do.
One time, I would be blissfully happy with her, then another, I would be sad that I wouldn’t be able to do things I used to do, then another, I was full of rage with John for not being able to help me (he was in Singapore that time) and with the world–just because. I really felt like I was not myself.
Truth be told, there were very few people who asked me “Are you ok?” in those first few weeks. I distinctly remember going to an appointment with the lactation consultant (because Katie was not latching and I didn’t think I had any milk), and she asked me that question. I was trying to hold in the tears, but told her I was “fine”, when I wasn’t.
Two years later, when Patty was born, it was the same thing. On one of Patty’s check-ups, a nurse at the clinic asked me, “how are you doing?”. And this time, I cried and told her I was struggling to take care of two kids on my own (JP was a big help, but he had to work, obviously). She immediately got me in with the doctor for a quick consultation. I filled out a questionnaire, and after some more discussion, I was diagnosed with mild post-natal depression.
Immediately, I was put on the queue to get some counselling, and another visit with the doctor. We agreed that medicine was not required at that time because I was breastfeeding and deemed not too severe.
Why am I telling you this? Because I think society expects women to just get on with the business of motherhood, as if it’s just a skill or a talent you get naturally. I,myself, thought I would be a natural at this. But I wasn’t. I kept thinking (and still sometimes do) that I’ve lost a part of myself–that I’m a different person, and I am not sure that I like it. Please don’t get me wrong, I love my girls with all my heart, I’m just telling you that sometimes I feel sad and long to see that person I was before motherhood came.
So, I feel for Meghan, whose every move is watched and criticized by media and the world. I cannot imagine the pressure that this kind of scrutiny adds to being a mother. This time we live in is quite crazy, isn’t it? On social media, you see all these curated and gorgeous photos of mommies and their kids, painting a rosy picture of parenthood. But behind the scenes, there are countless moms crying alone, struggling with just doing ALL the things.
This is why, when I look at these beautiful photos on my social media feed, I take it with a grain of salt and appreciate the effort these moms put into making these. This is also why I’m extra patient with moms that I meet outside, ie. those struggling to get their kids to behave, those with unruly kids in the playground. I also don’t make any negative comments on any mom posts on social media, because I know how powerful words can be to make or break someone’s day.
I guess what I’m saying is: just be kind, guys. We don’t know what’s going on inside someone’s private life enough to pass judgement. What would be helpful, really, is to ask someone how they’re doing. What you can do to help, to make it easier. A little kindness will go further than negativity, and is definitely better for everyone.
